


Journey of a Lifetime

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Adult Content, Angst, Drama, Episode Related, First Time, M/M, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-07
Updated: 2006-03-07
Packaged: 2019-02-02 12:04:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12726306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: Losing the ability to talk doesn't mean you can't communicate even when you don't intend to.





	Journey of a Lifetime

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: Thanks to my Beta, Gateroller!  


* * *

I just knew he'd be in his office still working on that translation. Okay it's important; SG9 couldn't go on their mission without the treaty translated into whatever language they spoke on PC3-whatever. However, seeing as they weren't going until day after tomorrow it didn't mean Daniel had to work until - what time was it? - right, until after twenty-one hundred hours. Again.

There, see, light under his door.

"Daniel," I called pushing it open. There he was tapping away at his keyboard, books open all over his desk, not even bothered to look up to see who it was. Okay that could mean either he'd not even heard or that he knew it was me. Try a bit louder. "Daniel!"

"What do you want this time, Jack?"

Still hadn't looked up, bastard knew it was me all the time. "You, Dr. Jackson, I want you. Put your books away, turn off the computer and come and eat something. After that you are going home to bed and preferably sleep for eight hours."

"And when exactly did you become my mother?" Oh, sarcasm!

"This is not your mother speaking, this is your friend but more importantly at the moment, this is your C.O. I know you find it difficult to understand the concept of taking orders, so by all means treat this as a request and if you have any sense you'll listen to it. You've been working for thirty-six hours straight. If you want that translation to be correct and to help the nice SGC people and the nice natives of PC3, then you need to take a break before you carry on - _tomorrow morning_." I kinda let myself down in the nice sensible friend shtick there at the end when I said the last couple of words very slow and very loud. Couldn't help it. So sue me.

He looked at me as if perhaps I was the one who needed to get some rest. "I'm fine, Jack. Really I would just rather carry on if it's all the same to you; I'm three quarters done now."

He said that as if it was so reasonable and just looked down at his book again. "No, no, Daniel, that's so not how this works. This is your C.O. here and well that _was_ an order. If you want to save whatever you have on the computer you better do it now 'cause I'm gonna turn it off," I said heading purposely around his desk.

"You wouldn't!"

"Pulease, Daniel this is me, course I would," I replied with a raised eyebrow. He should know me well enough by now.

"Damn it, you would. Just a second, please Jack," he mumbled flicking away at his keyboard. I just gave him time to press the return key before I pressed the off switch. I'm a bastard but not a complete one.

"Right, part one completed and now for part two, the food. I think it best if you came back to my place. We can order in, take it easy, watch some TV, I'll even let you watch the History Channel. Then you can get some sleep in my guest room, mind you, don't know why I just don't call it Daniel's room, you're the only one who uses it."

"Thanks, Jack," he replied, totally ignoring my sarcasm, "but I can order in and sleep at my own place."

"Sure you could, but you wouldn't. You'd go home, see if you could find anything in that fridge of yours, probably grab an apple and some juice and settle down to some more work. You might just get to bed about oh-three-hundred hours and have to be up four hours later. No, sorry, Daniel gonna be the C.O. again here and make it one of those order thingies."

"Oh, and how exactly are you gonna make that stick?" he asked with a grin.

"Because I'm gonna give you a choice. My place or spend eight hours in the infirmary. I'll tell Doc that I found you collapsed exhausted at your desk and ask that she keeps you in overnight. You know she's always saying you work too hard."

"Bastard!"

"My mother would be very upset to hear you say that." I saw a twitch of his lips at that and I knew I'd won. Once I got him to smile, even just that small one he allowed to pass his lips, he caved easy then. He'll probably get his own back somehow eventually but it's the game we play. We both knew and truth was, it's the way we liked it. Not that either of us would ever admit that, of course.

About ninety minutes later we were slumped in front of the TV in my living room, watching something about Ancient Rome; well I was, kinda, Danny was dozing. Once the pizza arrived he woofed down his half and a bottle of beer that he said he didn't really like even though he drained the bottle. Then we put our feet on my coffee table and just relaxed, chatting about SGC gossip. Mostly I chatted and he nodded in all the right places until I noticed he'd stopped and his head had slipped back against the sofa. After that I just watched him. Not a hardship really, watching Daniel Jackson; spent quite a chunk of life doing that, some of it was my duty, protecting the civilian on my team. Some of it was purely personal.

It wasn't wrong because I kept it to myself. My reasons I mean, my feelings. Yeah, that's what I said. I have feelings for my friend, Daniel, my team-mate, my responsibility. My friend. My male friend, my married friend, whose wife is missing and who every time we went through the Stargate he hoped to find. You can see why I kept it myself. I said it wasn't wrong but of course, really it was. Doesn't stop the feelings though and, God help me, they're getting stronger. Dream about him most nights now, marvellous fantasies that I jerk off to when I wake. Have the most amazing climaxes; gotta wonder what it would be like to really have my cock inside his tight ass, or, something I didn't think I'd ever go for but the idea of it being him makes everything possible, his cock inside me.

God, getting hard just thinking about it. What kind of friend did that make me though? Lusting after him. I've not even been a practicing gay for more years than I can remember. I was faithful to Sara and had been hurting too much to even think about it later. Been out with a few women but that left me cold now. I just wanted him, the one person I couldn't have. Besides the fact that he was as straight as they come and was head over heels in love with his wife, I valued his friendship far too much. You see I never really had a friend like Daniel before. Just had buddies, y'know the kind that you boast to and get drunk with, the kind you trust at your back to under fire, yet somehow you never manage to really got to _know_ or allow them to see the real you. With Daniel, from the very first he saw me more clearly than even Sara ever had, and he slowly allowed me to see more and more of him. The more I saw, the more I wanted him in my life. Just as a friend at first, till those dreams started.

So I kept myself under tight rein around him, was the friend I think he needed and allowed him to be the friend to me he wanted. Everything else was off-limits.

* * *

"Rise and shine, Daniel, busy day ahead."

Oh god, who was that? Jack! Oh, was that coffee I smell? What's Jack doing at my place, don't remember... Oh, yes I do. I cracked open one eye, yep this was Jack's guest room, or as he joked last night, my room. Did seem to spend as much time here as I did at my own place.

I reached for the coffee that Jack had left on the nightstand. At least he knows how to wake me up; his coffee making skills have certainly improved too.

Not gonna tell him, of course but he was right last night, I was exhausted. Can't hardly even remember coming to bed. I frowned as I tried to recall the previous evening; watching some documentary on Ancient Rome, not too bad. Ah, must've dozed 'cause I remembered Jack shaking me awake and dragging me off to the bathroom telling me I'd feel bad this morning if I didn't at least clean my teeth. Then I stumbled into bed.

I threw back the bedclothes to find I was only wearing boxers; well it wouldn't be the first time Jack had put me to bed but he usually made sure I had sweats on. Ah, I remember he left me to it while he secured the house and I was too tired to do anything other than yank my things off. Talking of my things, where the hell are they?

I heard Jack moving about in the kitchen below, whistling some poor tune off-key.

"Jack," I called, "where the hell are my clothes?"

"Clean set in the bathroom, others in the wash," he called back.

"You'd make someone a great wife!"

"I'd come back with a snappy retort but I can't think of anything. Remind me I owe you one!"

I laughed, he did make me feel good; about the only person who could ever make me laugh. I smiled with Sam as we both got excited over something or other, nodded along with Teal'c as he helped me to relax while he tried to teach me kel'no'reem but I only ever felt at home with Jack.

I felt guilty about that and sometimes I took my guilt out on Jack but I think he even understood that because he would back off for a while, give me time to come to terms with myself and then he would be back as if nothing had ever happened.

The one time, a few months back, when I wouldn't allow him to back off, when I followed and pushed him until he gave me a tongue-lashing back, he understood. He put an arm around my shoulder and told me it was just my guilt and that I wanted to be punished. He grinned and said any time I wanted a slanging match just give him a call. I started to ask him how he knew how I felt when I realised if anyone knew about guilt it would be Jack O'Neill, so I simply grinned and told him I had his number.

"Come on, Daniel, just enough time for breakfast before we have to report."

"I'll be right down."

I sometimes wondered how we'd ever become such good friends, we were so different. Yet I'd never had a better friend and from time to time I was afraid of what would happen to me when the day came when life separated us. I had to hold on to the belief that I would someday get Sha're back but if I was honest with myself I knew that was becoming remote. Jack had made me a promise and I knew he would do his utmost to keep it but some promises are beyond the realms of possibility. It's a vast universe out there and she could be anywhere, absolutely anywhere.

I didn't know what my future held but in that moment as I walked into the kitchen and saw Jack standing there framed against the sun drenched windows I suddenly knew that without Jack in it my future would be empty, a desert with no joy.

That feeling stunned me because I hadn't considered Sha're in that equation. I'd always known myself before, had rarely doubted myself. My own self-belief had caused my professional downfall after all. Suddenly all I felt was confused. How could I virtually forget about my wife when considering my future? I love Sha're, don't I? Of course I do! So why did Jack make me feel so good, better than even Sha're ever had?

* * *

I finally completed the translation, it seemed easier this morning. Once again Jack was right, not that I was going to tell him that or he'd pull that stunt on me again.

Now perhaps I'll have time to take a look at those MALP images from P3R 272, the quick glance I got the other day looked promising. The General was getting insistent that we were more particular with the recommendations we made, apparently we don't have time to waste going to planets that won't produce results. Course, that all depends on what results one considered worthwhile.

* * *

One good thing about Daniel, he loved to give us picture shows, made it easier to relax and just kick back, hidden in the half-darkness.

"When we found Ernest Littlefield on PB2 908 we also discovered a repository of information," he began his lecture.

"Meaning of Life sort of stuff," I added, well I had to show some interest after all.

"Yes. Based on the four distinct alien languages inscribed on the wall we concluded it was some sort of meeting place where these four races would...."

"We all re-read the mission reports, Dr. Jackson," the General interrupted

"Okay. Right. Well, two days ago the probe sent back this image from P3R 272. Now, if you look closely, you'll see that the symbols match one of the inscriptions from the meeting place on Ernest's planet." He glanced around at us, expecting one of us to comment, I think but he's the only one who finds this stuff exciting. "So you realize what this means?" he prodded but everyone looked as blank as I felt.

"You know what the circle of symbols says?" Hammond asked

"No, I...don't even know what it sounds like," he sounded nervous now. "But based on the Norse rune at the bottom of this inscription," he hesitated long enough to point out the rune, giving us as much information as he could. "I am positive that one of the four races in the alliance is Thor's race, the Asgard. Obviously that would make the aliens that belong to this language...their allies."

Daniel was twirling a pen between his fingers like a baton, while everyone just stared at each other. I doubt very much if he was as relaxed as he was trying to appear.

Until Teal'c suddenly raised an eyebrow and said, "I do believe this world is worth exploring, Daniel Jackson."

Well that was that then, the mission was a go. I've got no complaints; don't really care where we went just so as I could watch Daniel doing his stuff. Whoa, that sounded shallow even for me. Hell, who was I kidding? I'm serious about my duty but there's nothing in the regs to say I couldn't kill two birds with one stone.

* * *

This was certainly interesting, if somewhat limiting. A fairly large room, circular with no door and no windows, the only way in and out appeared to be the Gate. The only other thing visible was the circle drawn on the floor. Maybe a closer look would give me more clues.

"Very strange. Breathable air, moderate temperature. But where's the life-support coming from?" Sam wondered.

I watched as Jack walked over to one wall and pounded a couple of times on it with his fist before shaking it in discomfort. "Walls are solid," he told us somewhat unnecessarily.

Well, Jack thumping a solid stone wall will tend to do that. Damn, I'm getting more and more sarcastic. Gotta stop spending so much time with Jack, like that's gonna happen.

"As the probe indicated, there appears to be no exit," Teal'c commented.

"Well, this was an intergalactic waste of time," said Jack, the master at work.

Sam stared at him. "Well, wait a minute, sir. Where's the power for the lights coming from? What's the point of this place?"

Well not many other options, so looking up at the ceiling, I called out. "Hello!" Out of the corner of my eye I could see Jack watching me with a confused expression that I could only translate as 'what the hell are you doing?' Ignoring him I tried again. "Hello! I'm Daniel Jackson. We're peaceful explorers from the planet Earth." Jack glared at me. "It's worth a try," I told him, feeling slightly foolish.

"Daniel, how long do you figure we ought to hang out here and scratch our cosmic heads?" he asked me.

"Well, we can't just give up. I mean...." God Jack, use that brain of yours, the one I know you like to pretend not to have.

"Why not?" Jack said, paused to think a minute then with a slight nod, as if agreeing with himself, he added. "Let's go home." As he spoke he stepped through the illuminated circle on the floor. The light seemed to waver for a second before something tripped in the room and on the back wall, a round, intricately carved device appeared to extrude into the room.

"Okay, that's something," Jack moved slowly over to it.

For some reason I felt a strange foreboding and hung back a little.

Teal'c, being the nearest, stepped up to it first moving toward the device's opening.

"Watch yourself there, Teal'c," Jack warned as Teal'c peered into it.

"What'd you see?" Jack asked.

"Blackness, filled with coloured lights," he replied sounding disappointed.

You know, Jack accuses me of being curious but he's just as bad because even as Teal'c stepped back, Jack took his place and looked into the aperture. Now if I'd done that, he'd be yelling at me, telling me not to touch, which was rather ridiculous considering what I do.

Almost as soon as he looked inside, the device grew outward slightly and I moved forward even as he tried to back away. Damn, it hadn't done that with Teal'c.

"Whoa!" Jack said, and suddenly the device grew what I could only describe as hands which wrapped around his whole head holding him tight. Jack yelled and struggled but nothing seemed to help.

I stood there like a stupid idiot too shocked to move for a second and by the time we reached Jack; the thing released him and he slipped to the floor. He lay there on his back staring up at the ceiling. A hand seized my heart as he stared upward looking at nothing with wide open empty eyes. Oh God, Jack!

"Jack! Can you hear me?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

Sam observed that his pulse was racing as I hurried to dial the Gate.

* * *

When we arrived back at the Mountain Jack was quickly transferred to the infirmary. I'd wanted to accompany him but the General kept Teal'c and I talking and Sam went with him instead. I'd been grateful when Sam came back to tell us that he was okay and the General called a briefing immediately.

Jack seemed distracted, doodling on a pad. That in itself was not unusual, he often doodled but he was drawing what appeared to be complicated designs rather than his usual scribbles.

"So what caused this device to appear?" Hammond asked

"We're not sure," I said distracted and it was Teal'c who described that Jack had crossed the circle on the floor which seemed to provoke a reaction and reveal the device. He also told the General that he'd looked in first.

"And what did you see?" Hammond asked him.

"Lights, he saw lights," Jack interrupted impatiently in a dull voice, seeming to pay more attention to his drawing. Looking up in the ensuing silence he said sullenly, "That's what he said he saw. Lights. We done?"

"Not exactly," Hammond responded. "Why didn't the device react to Teal'c the same way as it did to you?"

Again it was Teal'c who answered, suggesting maybe it was because he was a Jaffa and Sam agreed reminding them of other anti-Goa'uld devices.

"Teal'c looked. I looked. It grabbed my head, I passed out, I came to, we're here, we're home, can we go?" sing-songed Jack with irritation.

I didn't like this at all, this wasn't the Jack that I knew.

"Sir? Are you okay?" Sam asked him.

"I'm fine. Just fine." He paused, considering before adding, "...a little tired maybe."

"Colonel? Are you sure you're okay?" Hammond asked

"I am absolutely fine. There is nothing cruvus with me," Jack said irritably.

I was stunned and worried and just stared at him.

Jack looked back in confusion. "What?"

"You just said there's nothing....cruvus....with you."

"I did not."

"Yes, you did."

We batted back and forth 'did' and 'did not' until Jack suddenly said, "Cruvus? What is that?" Jack sounded really puzzled. This was no game and I was beginning to feel afraid.

"I don't know," I said quietly, "I'm.....um, well, I'm guessing in the context of what you were saying, you were trying to say that there was nothing wrong with you."

I could see his mind ticking over and he was more confused than ever.

"Why don't you take some time to relax, Colonel," the General said. "You're dismissed but do me a favour and stay on the base."

I watched as Jack tore off the page he was drawing on, folded it and left the room.

As I watched my friend leave I heard Hammond tell the others to keep an eye on him. I was going back to my office to try and find out what the hell was going on.

* * *

I think the General asked Teal'c to keep an eye on me. Everyone behaved as if something was wrong with me and I'd be annoyed if it weren't for the fact that I could tell how worried Daniel was. I let Teal'c persuade me to teach him boxing. I've been trying to get him down to the gym for weeks but he always avoided it stating that the only time he wished to do battle was against his enemies and I thought I'd never make him understand it was only a sport. I still wasn't convinced I had.

We danced around a bit, well I danced and Teal'c stood there like a rock, which he proved to be when I landed a blow on his chest. I almost bounced off him and he just looked down at his chest. Still I felt the need to apologise, just in case but he told me he was fine. I think he was laughing at me! Especially when he up and hit me back.

I wasn't ready and I landed right on my butt, he'd never have got me if I'd been ready. Damn my nose hurts.

"How was that, O'Neill?" Smug bastard!

"It was good. It was good but think about keeping your hands up." I felt my nose again, "Is my nose bleeding?"

"You are fine."

Too damned right I'm fine, gonna show you how fine. "Keep your hands up." I told him starting to dance around again. "Gotta keep your feet moving. And.....bend your cozars. Keep your cozars bent there."

"I am unfamiliar with that word," Teal'c said frowning at me.

What the hell was up with the man? "What? Cozars? Cozars, gotta bend your cozars."

"I believe you are referring to your legs."

My legs, of course my legs. Oh God, what did I say?

* * *

Damn but this was frustrating. It could take weeks, months, dammit even years. Four unique languages, each ...

My door flew open and Jack barged in. "Alright, what the hell is going on with me?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, glancing at Teal'c as he followed Jack in.

"Well, apparently I've lost the falatus to speak properly!" Jacks' eyes widened with shock when he realised what he'd said. "That wasn't a joke. I didn't do that on purpose," he added desperately.

"Several times now Colonel O'Neill has used strange words in place of common terms," Teal'c explained.

"Okay. What was that word you just used?" I asked getting up to search my books, it reminded me vaguely of Latin.

"I believe it was 'falatus'," Teal'c repeated.

"Okay," I said, trying not to show how unnerved all this made me feel. Jack to me was always strong, always reliable. I didn't like this rattled version. He hovered behind me as I searched through my books. "...sounds kinda close to medieval Latin. Some...possibly a derivation, maybe even a root." I muttered picking up a large book. I felt the need to keep talking, as if to prove I could help my friend when really I was floundering in uncertainty. "Faculatus is Latin for ability. You said you lost the falatus to speak properly."

I looked up to see Jack was staring at the circle of runic symbols on my computer screen that I had been studying.

"Nu ani anqueetas," he said and then looked over at me.

"What?" I asked surprised.

"Nu ani anqueetas, hic qua videeum...." he said looking again at the monitor.

I stared at him, alarmed at what I was hearing and walking over to Jack I pointed at the symbols on the screen.

"Jack, are you reading this?" I asked, surprised at how calm my voice sounded.

"I don't know, you tell me!" He sounded more frustrated than anything else.

"Well, I don't know," I replied, trying to sound calm. "I haven't even been able to associate sounds to the symbols." Jack was rubbing his forehead not looking at me. "Do you know what this means?" I asked.

"No!" he replied and he rubbed a hand across his eyes. "I'm just looking at it and the words pop right into my frond!" He paused again, glanced at me and I saw concern and perhaps a little fear. "Does anybody think this is odd?"

What could I say to that?

* * *

"Do you know what he's saying?" Sam asked as we walked to my office. To be honest I found it difficult to concentrate on helping Jack in his presence, I worried too much about the changes he was undergoing. "The language he's speaking has similar sounds to Medieval Latin but is still quite different."

"So he's in the infirmary now?"

"Yeah but before we took him there he just picked up a piece of chalk and did this in about 30 seconds flat." I indicated the free-standing chalkboard which was covered with notations similar to algebra but with symbols similar to those on the Stargate used as numerical values within the equations. Watching Jack dash off a whole board full of this stuff had been scary, to say the least. "Do you have any idea what this means?" I asked her.

Sam studied it for a moment. "No. Even the equations don't make any sense. No, this is like no math I've ever seen." Hearing Sam of all people say that was a shock.

Sam wanted to see Jack and somewhat reluctantly I went along. I couldn't understand my own reactions to this situation. I wanted to help my best friend yet I was afraid to see him. What was wrong with me?

Once we reached the infirmary Dr. Fraiser wanted to show us what she'd found and brought up a computerised view of Jack's MRI scan. She tapped a few commands in and then there were two very different views on the screen. Janet explained one was Jack's present condition and the other was a normal scan showing the activity within the brain.

"A normal brain functions at five to ten percent of its capacity at any given time," the Doc explained as I glanced over Sam's shoulder at the images. "Colonel O'Neill's brain is running at over ninety percent capacity." I felt a chill run down my spine at her words.

"But how is that possible?" the ever practical Sam asked while all I wanted to do was see Jack. I almost laughed aloud at my stupidity. Before I had been afraid to see him and now I was afraid I would never have enough time in his company.

"I don't know," Janet Fraiser's voice filled with uncertainty did nothing to help my fear.

"Where's Colonel O'Neill?" Teal'c asked, walking in.

"Well, he should be in the infirmary," replied the doctor.

"He is not there."

We decided to split up and search for him. Teal'c headed for the Gateroom, Sam went to check the armoury and I decided to check the locker room.

It was Sam who found him in the armoury removing the Goa'uld power cell from Teal'c's staff weapon. Apparently he told her he needed it but when she asked why he admitted he had no idea.

I was called to attend a briefing with General Hammond and Sam explained to him that Jack was with Teal'c.

"Do you think his current condition poses any threat?" Hammond asked Dr. Fraiser.

"Sir, I don't even know what's wrong with him. All I can tell you is that his brain function has increased tenfold," the Doc told him.

"Jack was able to read the alien language, both the inscription from the wall of the meeting place on Ernest's planet and the circle of symbols from 272 where this happened to him," I had to admit.

"What does it mean?" the General asked me.

"Oh, well, my translation is a little bit vague'" I admitted uncomfortably. "Um, I think the circle means 'the place of our legacy'. Um, or it could be 'a piece of our leg,' but the first seems to make more sense," I tried to smile but it was a poor thing.

"The point is, Colonel O'Neill is unwillingly speaking an alien language," Sam declared.

"We know the Asgard opposed the Goa'uld so it's possible all the members of this four-race alliance felt the same," I said trying to convince both myself and the others that what had happened to Jack was perhaps a defence mechanism of some kind, even a way to communicate. Anything that wasn't threatening to him or us.

"Which might explain why the viewer locked out Teal'c," Sam added thoughtfully.

"What are you saying?" Hammond asked looked at me in confusion.

"What if this device somehow...downloaded an alien language into Jack's brain?" I put my vague thoughts into words.

Teal'c suddenly entered and said to the General, "Your presence is required in the control room."

* * *

Fuck! Why can't I stop? I don't even understand what I'm doing, _why_ I'm doing it. I'm watching as my fingers on the computer keyboard, _my_ fingers tap away faster than even Daniel's. I'm entering God knows what onto our computer system and I don't want to but I can't quiesh...quie...stop...stop myself! _Help me, for God's sake someone. STOP ME!_

I could hear someone, the others, clattering down the back stairs behind me. Come on, do something.

"What's he doing?" Hammond asked

"I do not know," I heard Teal'c answer. You don't know? _I_ don't know!

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Sam move over to one of the consoles, probably trying to see what I'm inputting. All I know is that it's a lot of ones and zeros. A code, it's gotta be some kind of code.

She said something to Hammond about being shut out of the system.

"Colonel?" he asked me, as if I knew the answer. He was looking over my shoulder.

"Yes, sir?"

"What are you doing?"

"I don't know, sir. You know me and computers." Most people know there's only a grain of truth in that, I do know what I'm doing around a keyboard but nothing like this.

"Colonel, I'm ordering you to stop."

Quiesh, quiesh. That word keeps running round in my head. "I'd love to, sir but I can't!"

"Stop him!" Hammond ordered Teal'c.

The big guy yanked me away from the computer for which I was grateful. So why I am yelling in anger and struggling to be free. "No, no, I'm not fargus!"

"Sir, I think he wants to finish whatever it is he's doing," Daniel explained moving nearer. I appreciated the support more than I could ever tell him.

Whatever I'd done caused the whole system to shut down and at first Sam couldn't do anything and guilt flooded me. Then just as suddenly the thing re-started and lines of letters filled the screen.

"Sir, this is machine code," Sam began to explain for which I was grateful cause I no idea what the hell was going on. "The numbers the Colonel was entering must've been some kind of program."

Suddenly I was moving, compelled beyond my ability to control. I hit a few keys on the keyboard before Teal'c grabbed me again.

Sam turned around in her chair and stared at me. "What'd you do?"

What could I say, I had no idea. I just shrugged baffled when suddenly a map of all the Stargates appeared on the screen with the locations marked.

"It's a destination map. These are all the Stargates we've been to," Sam explains. Daniel glanced at me before looking over her shoulder at the screen as more Stargate symbols start to appear. I suddenly realised how much I hoped he still trusted me, believed in me.

"Sam...are those new gates popping up?" he asked.

"It's not possible. It takes days to calculate the planetary shift of each new location," she said confused. Then a new window appeared and scrolled through all of the Gate destination coordinates. "Whoa, wait a second," Sam mumbled as a message popped up. "Sir, the new Stargates did not come from the Abydos cartouche data that we put in."

"But that's the only reference we have, isn't it?" Hammond asked her.

"The Colonel must've input new Stargate locations into the computer."

"Well, I guess that thing must've put more than just a language into your brain," Daniel said to me, his eyes holding mine and I had the oddest sensation that he wasn't saying what he was thinking. Then with a metaphorical shake of the head, he continued, "That circular inscription read 'the place of our legacy'. What if that thing you looked into was some sort of alien database....like the one we found on Ernest's planet? All the knowledge that these particular aliens possessed?"

That sent a frisson of alarm through me; the knowledge of four alien races? How was it possible that my brain could hold that much? It couldn't could it? I think he saw the fear in my eyes because I suddenly saw how alarmed he looked as the General told me I wasn't under arrest but I was to keep my hands to myself.

"Eet..ium...sir." I just tried to say to yes.

* * *

We've been in my office for a few hours now trying to understand what's happened to Jack, trying to translate what he'd said as more and more of the alien words passed his lips. I've tried not to let him see how afraid I am for him as he is able to use less and less English words. He's already looking frazzled enough; he doesn't need the added stress of my concern. I keep getting this unwarranted desire to hug him; he'd probably just deck me. The odd thing is I've never so much as put an arm around his shoulder; I'm not a particularly tactile person having long ago learned to be emotionally self-sufficient. Maybe something of his ebullience has rubbed off on me. My train of thought was disturbed, which was perhaps for the best, with the appearance of Sam.

"One can only stare at a computer screen for so long," she said. "Colonel, that program you entered rewrote massive amounts of machine code!"

Jack waved a hand at her, irritated.

"Jack seems to have lost the ability to speak anything but the alien language," I explained to her. "But the good news is we seem to have more of the alien inscription translated. 'Nu ani anqueetas' 'We are the ancients.'"

"Who are the ancients?" Sometimes Sam could be just too literal.

"Well, I think that they could be the teachers of roads," I paused at Sam's puzzled look. "See, the Romans were the first real road builders, they spoke Latin and they learned to build roads from gods known as 'the ancient ones'."

"I'm still not following you," she frowned. Literal and not always able to take that leap.

"Roads...Stargates. The Gate builders? What if these ancients were the alien race who invented the Stargate?"

"You're still just speculating, right?" she asked and I suddenly knew why Jack had banged his head on the table earlier when he couldn't make himself understood.

"Well, that would certainly explain why Jack knew about Stargates the Goa'uld haven't even discovered yet," I explained carefully.

"I don't know, Daniel. Why would they invent a device that would do this?"

"'The place of our legacy'. To pass on their knowledge. Jack may have knowledge of the original Gate builders downloaded into his brain."

"Ego indeo navo locas."

I whipped around at that, he sounded so lost. "Okay, Ego, means 'I'."

"Indeo?"

"Need."

"Navo?"

"New."

"Locas?"

What the hell does locas mean? Dammit! I grabbed one of my books and quickly looked it up. "Locas, locas, locacia, Location! You need a new location? You need a new location?" I sighed with relief when he nodded.

"Where do you want to go?" asked Sam.

Jack frowned and looked at her in puzzlement, before glancing at me. He doesn't know where but he obviously feels a strong need to go. I can't help but put a hand on his shoulder and squeeze and I was unaccountably touched by the look of gratitude that Jack suddenly threw my way.

Sam blind to our little byplay shrugged impatiently. "Okay, look, I have to get back to the computers. Sir, I really wish you could explain this," she said as she passed the chalkboard still brimming with math.

Jack pulled a piece of paper over and wrote something on it before handing it to her.

"Ten equal Eight?" She muttered going over to the board. "Ten equals eight." She frowned, "Ten equals eight!" After a few moments she turned to him in astonishment. "Sir, this is Base-8 math."

Jack just gave her a shrug, while I'm simply amazed at Jack's newfound proficiency with advanced mathematics.

* * *

After Daniel had informed Dr. Fraiser of the changes in my condition she'd called me back in for another MRI and she was just explaining the results to Daniel and me. I didn't really like to be able to see the inside of my head like this; nine slices through my brain on a computer screen. It was seriously wigging me out.

"The problem may be only affecting the verbal language centre of your brain. It's a different function than writing but it looks like the problem is advancing," she explained to me and then, presumably because I couldn't answer her, she talked to Daniel, "Since he lost the ability gradually, I think that whatever is affecting him may be taking over incrementally."

"Well, what's the worst case scenario?" Daniel asked. Personally I wasn't sure I wanted to know. I knew I didn't when she explained that the way it was progressing I might lose the ability to write, or even understand them. That was scary enough but then she added my brain could eventually shut down. Euphemism for die, dammit.

* * *

At least the General was still including me in the briefings even though I couldn't contribute much unless it was through Daniel's translation which so far was slow going. I apparently knew this Ancient language - and though I wished I didn't I was glad it hadn't happened to Daniel, he hadn't said anything but I knew him well enough - which though similar to Latin was far enough removed that he had to look up quite a lot of what I said.

Carter was reporting the sending through of probes to the new addresses I'd downloaded, hoping that one might lead to a race that could help me and apparently they had found something.

"P9Q-281 has a pedestal near the gate with symbols on it that match the alien language that Jack is speaking," Daniel said.

"Then I suggest we check it out. You're authorized to go, Captain. Major Castleman will be joining SG-1 on this mission," the General stated.

"Well, if Jack's not going then I have to stay," Daniel said.

"Why is that, Doctor?"

"Well, if...if Sam and Teal'c make contact with the Ancients, then they can report back and...and...then Jack and I will go," he hesitated at the hard look the General but ploughed on. "But, until then, I mean, translating this language may be the most important thing we've done since we opened the Stargate. You see, I'm pretty sure that Jack is speaking the language of the original Gate builders. At the very least I'm positive that it is one of the races who created the repository of information on Ernest's planet. The, uh, 'meaning of life' stuff."

"And sir, I believe that the equation Colonel O'Neill wrote on the chalkboard is a revolutionary formula for calculating the distance between planetary bodies," interjected Sam.

"And bottom line, sir, what about Jack? I mean, right now I'm possibly his only hope for communicating in any kind of serious level. I can't leave him like this," he glanced over at me for a second before he added firmly, "And I won't."

I held his gaze for a long second before he turned to look at the General. Oh God, Daniel, what did I do to deserve such a friend. You'll never know just how much this means to me, how good you made me feel; worthwhile and cared for. If only you cared for me the way I care for you. I glanced at him but he was still staring fixedly at the General.

"All right. The rest of you will leave at 1600 hours," Hammond agreed.

We stood then as the General left and he turned and gripped my bicep. It was then that I remembered what I'd thought a moment before... _the way I care for you_. That was unthinking truth, straight from the heart. I do care for you Daniel, more than even I realised, more than the way I should feel, even for my best friend.

* * *

Sam, Teal'c and the others have gone through the Gate. I felt slightly guilty not going with them but I knew I would never have forgiven myself if anything had happened to Jack while I was halfway across the galaxy. What I told the General was true but it wasn't the whole reason I wanted to stay with Jack. I don't know why but I had this strange feeling that if I were to go I might never see him again and the lump that settled in my chest at the notion was painful.

We're back in my office, trying to learn more of the Ancient's language. Jack was supposed to be helping me but he kept pacing behind me. He couldn't keep still, he was agitated. I turned to look at him and found him pressing his knuckles into his temples.

His appearance was of concern to me too. He seemed to have aged in the last day; his eyes were dark and glittery, sunken in his face. His skin was pale and his expression was that of perpetual worry.

I needed to get him to concentrate on what we were trying to do. "Okay, we're getting hung up on the grammar," I said but Jack just shook his head, hands fisting again at his temples frustrated that he couldn't make me understand what was going on inside his head.

Suddenly he turned to my computer and typed 'I have to go through the Stargate'. He turned to me and flashed me of look of such desperation that my stomach flipped.

"Okay, you have to go through the Stargate? Where do you want to go?" Jack shook his head unable to answer. "Back to the planet where this happened? You have to go back there?" He just looked blank, as confused as I felt.

Just then my telephone rang and General Hammond asked to report to the Control Room but to leave Jack in my office. I was puzzled but the fact that the General himself had called me proved how important it was and there was obviously some reason he didn't want Jack involved.

I took Jack down to the infirmary and asked Janet Fraiser to keep an eye on him and I asked him to try and write out what he wanted. He frowned but grabbed a notebook and began scribbling. I quietly told Janet that I wouldn't be gone long, hoping it was true.

* * *

When I arrived back a short time later it was to find Jack building some sort of device, using the small power cell he took from the staff weapon earlier. He kept glancing at a torn piece of paper and when I glanced over his shoulder it was to see the drawing he'd been doodling earlier during the briefing. I glanced at him and he shrugged.

"What's he doing now?" I asked Janet who was watching him closely.

"Building something," she shrugged. "I've been taking some notes but I'm finding it a little hard to follow."

I motioned her away from Jack as I didn't want him to hear what I had to say. I told Jack I'd just popped back to make sure he was okay and then I had to return. I explained that Sam, Teal'c and the others were in serious trouble as the DHD had seized and they were unable to dial out. To make matters even more hazardous a second sun had been discovered and the temperature was going to get lethal. They'd asked the General not to send a rescue team because they would only get trapped too. I promised to keep her apprised of the situation. "Just.....don't tell Jack. I think he's got enough on his mind."

As if to prove my point, Jack stopped what he was doing for a moment and rubbed his eyes and then his forehead. He looked totally exhausted and frustrated. I just wanted to comfort him but I didn't know how. Instead I left to see if I could offer any help to my trapped friends.

* * *

I knew something was wrong when Daniel left hurriedly not long after that phone call. He didn't say who it was from but he brought me to the Doc to keep an eye on me. I was so frustrated because I wanted to know what the problem was but I couldn't get the words from my brain to my mouth. I have never felt so helpless, hopeless as I do at the moment. To be trapped inside one's own head is the most terrifyingly lonely experience I've ever had.

It also served to clarify my thoughts, centre my emotions. I finally understood myself; finally saw the truth that I'd kept hidden even from myself. I think Daniel's supportive words in my hour of need broke through the self-inflicted wall I had built around my deepest being. My reaction, that simple thought, straight from the heart, made me see the truth. Those feelings I admitted to myself I had for him went so much deeper, right to the core of my being. I know now that I could no longer tell myself it was just lust that produced those dreams, those fantasies. Though to be honest I'm not sure I ever really believed that anyway. I've known for a while, of course that I loved this man and now I admit it is so much more than that. I am _in_ love with him.

He is the most honest, compassionate, frustrating, annoying and passionate - God the passion for life shines from him. He was also a mixture of contradictions, clumsy and graceful, calm and excitable, predictable only in how astonishing he could be. A gentle scholar who would die rather than kill but who would kill to protect you and then spend his life in guilt over the life he had taken. A wonderful enigma who has stolen my heart. Everything I didn't deserve and everything I loved.

Yet in my present predicament all I felt was regret for the lost opportunity, one I may never again have to tell him how I really feel, how much he means to me. I don't expect anything from him; I just felt he needed to know. Was that selfish of me? Perhaps. Does _he_ really need to know or is that _I_ need to tell him? I don't know and if I had a voice to tell him, maybe I wouldn't actually do it. But now I had no voice and the need to tell him was overwhelming because I doubt that I will ever have that opportunity ever again.

I don't know why I have this overwhelming belief but that doesn't make it any less real. I have a compulsion, one that I don't even understand. I _know_ I have somewhere to go, something to do but I have no idea where or what. It's through the Stargate that I know for certain and I have a fear, a foreboding that once I go through I will never return. Here I am building something. I know what I'm doing, where to put what and how each part fits. I don't know what I'm building, or what its purpose is. The same way I knew that language, the only one I can now utter, I know how to create _this_. I also believe that it will take me away, somehow, somewhere.

Of all I fear to leave, Daniel is the most important and he doesn't even know it.

* * *

I met up with the General in the Briefing Room where he was in the middle of a meeting with Siler and some engineer, couldn't remember his name and just then I couldn't care less.

"Sir, this Mylar material added to a standard issue field tent should provide ten to twenty degrees protection."

"We've augmented some air-coolers to work with portable generators," Siler added.

"But how are they going to get home?" the General asked patiently.

"Well, based on Captain Carter's description of the problem, we've been running probability tests, using the function data we've correlated so far with the DHD found in Antarctica," the engineer said.

The General glanced my way and asked. "Do you understand what he said?"

"Sounds like they have no idea," I replied, as exasperated as the General sounded.

"Well actually sir, it's not 'no idea' it's just not much of one yet," the engineer retorted.

"But we're working on it," Siler added hopefully.

I was so glad that Jack wasn't relying on these guys to sort out his problem.

I explained to the General Jack's present situation and tried to explain what he was doing, which was rather difficult because I didn't really know.

It was time for our next communication with Sam on that damned planet and we moved into the Control Room.

The screen filled with an image of Sam and she looked terrible; her skin was red and peeling and the air around her literally shimmered as we watched.

"Manual dial-in failed, sir," she reported. "The DHD is stuck mid-dial and seems to be locking the gate in place."

"Are we recording this?" I asked the technician during Sam's explanation.

"Yes, sir," Simmons acknowledged.

"By my calculations we could be facing temperatures of over two hundred degrees in less than four hours," Sam continued.

"Captain, we're sending through a package of heat resistant tents and portable air coolers," Hammond explained.

"General, I don't think you understand how hot it's gonna get," she was clearly exasperated and weary. "Nothing you send us will provide enough protection. We'll be dead before the end of the day."

How could I tell Jack that half his team was trapped and without help would die? I still believed he could understand me and once he knew they were at risk trying to help him...

I walked slowly back to the infirmary and when I arrived it was to find that Jack had apparently finished whatever it was he was building. Janet was sitting nearby looking on fascinated. Jack was walking around the table where the device was sitting and inserted something into the machine, then scribbled something down on a pad. Then he looked at a schematic he'd drawn up and stared at the machine comparing the two.

"I think he's finished," Janet said."

I looked closely at it but it was unlike anything I had ever seen before. "What is it?" I asked Jack, not really expecting an answer; he looked as if he was ready to scratch his head in confusion.

He looked apologetically at me before he reached out and flipped a switch which turned it on and it began to hum.

"That's it?" I asked unaccountably disappointed and Jack moved closer and gave me a weak smile.

"Okay, well, let's.....let's just leave this thing for now. Believe it or not, I have something a little more important to discuss," and to back up my meaning I pointed to the door.

As Jack leaned over to shut it off I caught the puzzled glance he gave the machine that he'd just built. I got the distinct impression that he didn't know what it was anymore than we did, yet how could that be?

I took them to my office where I had the video tape from the MALP feed and I slipped it into the machine. I turned to Jack and touched him on the arm and he flinched and looked up at me. I held his gaze and he gave a little sigh.

"I didn't want to tell you this before because I thought you had enough on your mind," I paused taking a calming breath. "Sam, Teal'c, and the rest of SG-1 are in trouble. The DHD on P9Q-281 isn't working and they can't get home. To make matters worse, there is a very hot sun rising." I stared into his eyes, I wasn't gonna shirk this. "They don't have much time."

I pressed play on the VCR that was tied into my computer and the recording Simmons had made only minutes ago was re-broadcast for Jack and Janet. I could see the concern in his eyes as he watched and listened to the terrible predicament his team-mates found themselves in, I was so relieved to know he understood, even though I could've wished for a different reason.

"Look," I explained dropping my eyes for a moment, "no one else believes that you have the knowledge of the original Gate builders inside your head except me."

Jack looked at the view on the screen and then glanced at me and an unaccountable shiver ran down my spine at the riveting gaze he gave me. Then with a barely visible shudder something seemed to come over him and he turned around and started to collect equipment from my desk, pencils, a ruler, a compass and he pulled a large roll of paper from the top of one of my cabinets. Making a space on my desk he spread the paper and began drawing.

"What...what's he doing?" Janet asked me.

"I don't know."

"Do you think this is going to help?"

"I...I...I don't....I really don't.....know," I said, God I wish I did know what the hell was going on.

Suddenly Jack stopped what he was doing and scribbled something on a clipboard which he irritably shoved in front of us before he returned to his drawing.

Grabbing it, I quickly translated and read the note aloud, "Shut up and go away." I almost laughed aloud with relief; he was still in there, somewhere. Oh, thank you Lord!

* * *

After a while I went back to my office to see how Jack was doing. I opened the door quietly so as not to disturb him if he was still very busy. At first I couldn't see him; he was no longer working on my desk.

Then I heard a rustling noise and I moved further inside closing the door behind me. I moved around my desk and almost sucked in my breath at what I saw. Jack had laid the large roll of paper on the floor and he was lying on his belly doing some very delicate work on an intricate diagram. I had no idea what he was drawing; my eyes were glued to his body. A body I had seen innumerable times before, on and off world. We even shared a tent and I had seen him in all kinds of dress and undress. Yet somehow on this day, lying on the floor of my own office, I was drawn to him as never before.

He had removed his jacket and was only wearing his black tee and I could see the outline of his strong back. My eyes tracked down over the waistband of his green fatigue trousers and even as I watched he moved position, raising himself slightly and the material across his buttocks went taut. My mouth went dry and I could feel my cock fill at the sight of him and I had a sudden desire for his pants to disappear. I wanted to see his ass, free and naked and I wondered what his balls would feel like in my hand. I broke into a cold sweat and I carefully backed away, shocked at my own thoughts and feelings.

I escaped into the hallway outside, leaning against the wall trying to calm my erratic breathing. I suddenly realised I had an erection and it was slightly tenting my pants. Totally embarrassed I rushed for the nearest bathroom and locked myself in a cubicle.

I leaned my head against the cold tiles. I felt shaken, not because of my feeling for another man; this was by no means my first attraction to a man. I was bisexual, though I was not particularly experienced having only had a couple of encounters with male partners, mostly in my college days. I had a little more experience with women but even there my sexuality had tended to take second place to my studies and career. Sha're had been a gift that I didn't know how to refuse, for which I was later grateful because I had truly come to love her. Even though I had never actually been in love with a man before I had no trouble with the concept, I considered love an emotion of equal opportunity.

No, my only problem with this situation was that I was attracted, suddenly it seemed, to a man who was my best friend and who I'd lived beside virtually daily for the last two years. Why now? Why all of a sudden would l have such feelings for him? Feelings that I now admitted to myself in the quiet of this empty bathroom, that were very strong, and I also admitted were not just physical. He was my best friend after all. I trusted him, liked him - when he wasn't annoying the hell out of me - I believed in him. He was my friend and I loved him as such.

I was afraid for him, could that be it? I was afraid I might lose him and that fear brought out my hidden feelings. I was so used to caring for him I hadn't realised it had developed beyond that? What was I saying here? That I desired my friend; that I lusted after him? God, it couldn't be that, could it?

My erection had wilted long since and I had the sudden need to see him again. Perhaps that would help me understand myself.

I opened the door and headed back into the corridor just as my office door opened and Jack stomped into the hallway. He saw me and waved the now rolled up drawing at me, a slight smile on his lips. Suddenly I couldn't take me eyes from his mouth.

Then he spoke. "Explevum!"

I didn't understand. Oh Jack.

"Ex...ple...vum." He repeated more slowly.

"Complete?" I guessed and he nodded.

* * *

As I climbed the steps to the Briefing Room I could hear the discussion taking place between the General, Siler and a few others, I assumed scientists, or maybe engineers.

"The trouble they're having is powering up the DHD and getting it to recharge its capacitors," Siler was reporting.

"Removing the power source and reinstalling always rebooted the system in the tests," one of the other experts said.

"We never simulated a mid-dial lockup," Siler replied with impatience.

I walked in with Jack's device under one arm and Jack followed me carrying his roll of paper while Janet tagged along behind.

"We have to dial in right now," I informed General Hammond.

"The Colonel has a solution," Janet added quickly.

"He does?" one of them asked clearly doubtful and Jack unrolled the drawing on the table in front of them, revealing a technical schematic.

"We weren't sure what he was drawing at first...." I began

"That's the dial-home-device!" one of the scientists exclaimed.

"And the instructions on how to fix it," I finished with a flourish. "There isn't much time."

Before I could say anything else, Jack grabbed the schematic and headed to the Gateroom.

On my way after him I put the mechanical device on the table. "Here, you guys can work on this for awhile."

"What is it?" Siler asked.

"No idea...well, not 'no idea' just not much of one yet but.....work on it." I said off-hand; a bit churlish perhaps to repeat their own stupid phrase back at them but what the hell!

It's not long before the drawing is on its way and Lt. Simmons tracks it on the wormhole tracking system from the Control Room.

"The object has reached its destination, sir," he reported.

"Now we have to hope those instructions were right," Hammond commented.

I knew he wasn't convinced by my belief that Jack has the original Gate builders' knowledge. All we could do now was wait which was not conducive to peace of mind with the confused thoughts running around in my head just then. I looked at Jack staring at the Gate through the window and as if he could feel my eyes he slowly turned to look at me. He held my gaze and for the first time in hours he looked peaceful and I smiled at him. His eyes drifted slowly down to my lips and lingered there and for a moment I could almost convince myself that I could feel his lips on mine. He lifted his eyes to mine again and suddenly I couldn't hold his gaze and I dropped my eyes. I couldn't hide the way my chest was rising and falling in agitation though.

* * *

When we knew it had worked and they were coming home the General allowed me to come into the Gateroom to welcome my team home. I watched desperately wanting to say something but there was no-one there who could understand me. Daniel had left the Control Room saying he needed to check some books in his lab. The general had let him go without a word, his mind on the returning team, which was exactly where Daniel's concern would normally have been but it seemed he just had to get out of that room. Unfortunately I think I was the reason he'd fled - and I do use that word advisedly.

Unwittingly, I had allowed a little of my feelings to show, I think because I couldn't voice them I'd been stupid enough to assume they weren't apparent either but Daniel's reaction said otherwise. He caught me looking at him and he saw enough that he was unable hold my gaze, enough to make him gasp and his heart race in panic.

I almost called him back but I was suddenly afraid to try and find I could no longer even say his name; I was more afraid that he wouldn't come back.

Finally the Gate engaged and they came through, sunburned, exhausted, their sand-coloured uniforms coated in dust and oh so welcome.

Carter was walking a little unsteadily down the ramp, holding my rolled up drawing.

"Glad to have you back," Hammond said to her.

"Thought our goose was quite literally cooked this time, sir. These plans were perfect," she said lifting the roll with a weak smile. "Who came up with them?"

General Hammond turned and waved a hand towards me.

"Colonel?" she asked unbelievingly.

For a moment I felt put out that she found it so far-fetched but then all I could do was shrug my shoulders, I didn't know how I did it any more than they did.

Solemnly Teal'c walked down the ramp to me. "I am sorry, O'Neill. We could not find a way to help you."

* * *

I had to get out of there, I couldn't stay. At first I was overwhelmed by what I thought I saw and then I was afraid I was mistaken. I was so excited that my heart was pounding so fast I could hardly breathe and I had to look away because I was afraid what he might see. It was only when I reached the sanctuary of my lab that I took a moment to think rather than feel and I was shocked at my reaction to Jack, to the look I thought he gave me. Shocked because of what it said about me. God I'd never even known, not consciously at least.

I still wasn't sure if I'd imagined that look in his eyes but I sure as hell hadn't imagined my reaction, my feelings. My body reacted to that look, imagined or otherwise. I was flooded with the need to touch, to reach out and feel that body under my hands, those lips on my skin. I'd seen Jack naked in the showers a few times over the years and suddenly I had this ...desire to see him again, to look at those parts of him I'd always avoided. After so many years in the military Jack was very comfortable in his own skin and he would casually walk around without a towel, something I still couldn't do. Unconsciously, at first, I kept my eyes on his as he cheerfully held a conversation with me totally oblivious to his state of undress, then it became a habit, out of courtesy I suppose, to never let my eyes slip below his waist. Now I cursed myself for a fool for all those wasted opportunities at the same time as I wondered how long I'd been harbouring these feelings.

Caring for Jack had been part of my life for almost three years, even the year on Abydos hadn't banished him from my mind. Since I'd returned he was the friend I knew was always there, whatever I needed he provided, I'd just never thought my love for him had developed into _this_.

I dropped into my chair because I knew it was more than just lust, it was love. My love for my friend had evolved; it wasn't so surprising really if you thought of it like that. Life is a series of progressions after all, some good, some bad. I knew that more than most, I think I had someone else's share of the bad, I was past due for something good. Jack had always been good for me; I smiled at that, fate played a perverse trick on me the day he dropped into my life.

I realised that my panic had gone, my breathing was under control and I was ...happy. Why the hell was I sitting here alone? I'd just had a revelation and I suddenly wanted to see Jack again. I needed to be sure if what I'd seen in his eyes was real, I thought it was, oh God I wanted it to be.

Then it hit me. I'd run out on Jack just when the others were due back. I didn't even know what state they were in. I jumped to my feet and headed towards the infirmary guessing they would be there by now. Maybe Jack would too.

* * *

I heard running feet and I hurried towards the entrance. There he was, I knew he couldn't stay away for long, not when his friends could be hurt.

He stopped when he saw me and I thought for a moment he was going to back away but instead he smiled and hurried on. The relief that washed over me was tangible, especially when he placed a hand on my arm as he passed to see how Carter and Teal'c were faring. He was clearly relieved to discover that other than exhaustion Teal'c was fine and that all Carter needed a little treatment for her extreme sunburn and heat exhaustion. Dr. Fraiser was allowing Teal'c to look after himself and just keeping Carter in overnight.

"And how about Jack," he asked with a glance in my direction where I was leaning against the wall nearby, "anything new there?"

"Afraid not. I performed another scan a little while ago and the advance is steady, just as we expected," she gazed at me in sympathy. "However, what is obvious is that he's fighting exhaustion..."

"Infitiulus...timea..." I couldn't, no please. I was ...afraid.

"No, colonel," she interrupted, "I might not understand the language but I understand the tone and I know you. I'm making it an order, you are to get some rest. I'm going to ask Daniel to take you to one of the VIP rooms." She looked at Daniel and he nodded agreement and then he gave me a hard look. No escape there then, not that I really wanted one, I was nearly out on my feet and being ordered to spend some time with Daniel was no hardship. "Okay then," she continued, "everybody scatter, get some rest. I'll see you all in the morning."

* * *

I gestured to Jack to proceed me out of the infirmary and we walked side by side down the corridor to the elevator to go down to the VIP rooms. He hadn't spoken again but his whole demeanour was one of resignation and I was afraid for his frame of mind. We boarded an empty car and made the short trip to level 25 and we moved down the hallway to one of the empty VIP rooms. Once inside, I turned to him and found he was checking that the camera was turned off.

"Jack, why did you try and refuse when Janet suggested you get some rest?"

"Timea," he said softly.

"Timea? Fear, you're afraid? Of what?"

"Dormuo."

"Sleep, you're of afraid of sleep? Why?"

"Scium."

Damn I couldn't think what that meant. "Scium, Jack? I don't understand."

"Intellexum, mentis," he replied dropping his eyes a moment. When he looked up and gazed at me I saw fear in his eyes as he said, "Claustrum."

I closed my eyes a moment and sighed. I finally understood. He was progressively being trapped inside his mind. Only I could understand him and even that was intermittent, the language may be similar to Latin but there were enough differences to cause me problems. He was afraid that if he were to sleep when he woke he could be even more a prisoner inside his own head.

My stomach clenched as I acknowledged the similarity of Jack's predicament to that of my poor Sha're. He was slowly becoming a host to whatever had been downloaded into his skull, having no more control over his body than she did. I looked at Jack, sitting slumped on the bed, looking weary and older than his years and I felt fear crawl in my gut.

Jack had always been so self-assured, always appearing to be in total control. Even when he wasn't, when he was facing a hoard of Jaffa, or a pissed-off Goa'uld he would adopt a façade of confidence and to see him so ...lost; it was painful to me.

Before I was even aware of any such intention I found myself sitting next to him on the bed with my arms snaking around him. I pulled him into my side and he dropped his head on my shoulder and I felt his soft sigh as warm breath on my neck.

"Oh Jack," I murmured, my lips close to his bowed head, "Jack."

* * *

I never even saw him move but suddenly he sat down next to me on the bed and I felt his arms wrap around me and pull me towards him. I went oh so willingly and as I allowed my head to rest on his shoulder it felt like coming home. I sighed in relief and then a second later he said my name so gently that it ruffled my hair and sent shivers scuttling down my spine.

I knew in that moment that I hadn't been wrong to think he had feelings for me. This was more than just the concern of a friend. One of his hands had slipped from my shoulder to caress my back gently and I could have sworn he was kissing my hair. I took a chance, an opportunity I feared I might never have again and I pressed my lips into his neck. I felt him stiffen for a moment and I was afraid I had made a mistake.

"Daniel?" I said, profoundly relieved that I could still utter his name though afraid of what he might say.

His reply was to lift my head from his shoulder, look deep in my eyes and then to lean in and kiss each lid gently before pressing a quick kiss to my gasping lips.

"Amo, amo," I murmured when I could speak again.

"Oh, Jack, I love you too!" he declared.

I wrapped my arms around him and held him close to me, feeling safe for the first time in hours. At least now he knew how I felt and I was overwhelmed to discover he felt the same; perhaps now I could face whatever the future might hold.

I felt him begin to caress me again as he lifted his head to brush kisses across my neck and while there was nothing I would like more than to make love to him I knew this was neither the time nor the place. The camera may be off but the door did not lock. However, the main reason was that I couldn't do that to Daniel now when I had no idea what tomorrow would bring.

* * *

I immediately felt the loss as Jack pulled away from my embrace and puzzled I looked at him for an explanation. It was all there in his eyes, the love ...and the fear. He smiled but it was only a ghost of the shit-eating grin of his and I knew it was for my benefit. That's when it hit me; for _my_ benefit. Jack the champion protector. He didn't know what was going to happen and no matter how much he cared he wasn't going to risk messing up my life just before ...whatever his future would bring. Didn't he understand it was too late for that, didn't he know that whatever happened I would always love him and I wanted to show him. The pain would be with me unless he was.

Then I realised I was being selfish because this was what Jack wanted, what would give _him_ peace of mind. I had to think of Jack's need not my own, he was the one suffering. I tried to smile but knew it didn't fool him when he gave me a rueful grin back.

"Sleep....dormuo," I said to him, rolling over to sit on the edge of the bed. I made to get up, intending to rest on the sofa over by the wall but his hand reached out and gripped my forearm. I turned back to look at him, a question in my eyes.

"Commoruo," he said softly.

"Commoruo?" I pondered the word, smiling as I understood. "You want me to stay?"

In answer he pulled me back down and I rolled over towards him and wrapping his arms around me, he held me close. He muttered into my hair, peppering it with kisses as one finger gently caressed my neck and my throat. His other hand made gentle passes up and down my arm and across my chest, ghosting over my nipples and I could feel the heat even through my clothes.

"Keep doing that and you'll get more than you bargained for," I said, gasping at the sensations flooding me at his touch.

"Quio?" he asked.

"Why? Because I desire you ...concupisco, as if you didn't know!"

His smile faded and the look he gave me took my breath away.

"Concupisco," he breathed.

"Oh god!" I said as he took my mouth. The tender touches of moments before had gone as his lips forced mine open and his tongue took possession of my mouth. My heart was pounding and I felt rivers of fire race through my body, I wanted him so much. Almost as violently as he had grabbed me he let me go and gasping for breath he stared at me.

"Dormuo," he said, lying down again and opening his arms. I sighed and lay down beside him, snuggling down to rest my head on his shoulder.

After a little while I felt his breathing slow and his exhaustion finally took over and he slipped into sleep.

I lay in his arms and I knew that this was where I belonged. I thought of Sha're and part of me cried for the betrayal of my lovely wife but the truth was I loved Jack more than I had ever loved her. I had come to care for her and I had believed, truly believed that what I felt for her was a deep abiding love. Now I knew that hadn't been true, I'd been mistaken, for what I felt for Jack was incomparable.

I promised myself in the early hours of that night, deep under the mountain that whatever the future brought I would leave no stone unturned to keep Jack by my side. I just prayed it would be enough.

It was quite some time before sleep took me.

* * *

Awaking in each other's arms the next morning was both exhilarating and poignant. The sensations I had felt last night warmed my heart till with a chill I wondered if that was all we were to have. As I looked into Jack's eyes I saw the same love tinged with the same fear that coursed through me. I caressed his face gently and he leaned into the touch, "Amo," he whispered.

"Amo," I replied and I took his mouth in a kiss of passion and hopeful promise. I had to hope, it was all I could do.

I pulled away with a sigh and said, "Come on, we have to report to the infirmary right after breakfast."

Several hours later a recovered Teal'c and I were watching Jack work on the machine he built when Sam finally arrived.

"Feel better?" I asked her.

"Much, thanks. Is this what you wanted to show me?" she asked with a puzzled frown.

"Yes. Jack built it but no one seems to be able to figure out what 'IT' is." I turned on the device.

"Colonel, you have no idea what it is or why you built it?"

Jack, who, despite a reasonable night's sleep, still looked weary with dark rings under his eyes, dropped his head brushing a hand over his eyes and signalled a negative.

Suddenly the alarm lights flashed and the Gateroom alarm went off and over the intercom came, "Captain Carter to control room. Captain Carter to control room," and Sam rushed out.

I was just wondering if we should follow her when Jack suddenly grabbed the device and headed out the door.

"I'm guessing we should follow him," I said. I was trying to be positive but I had a bad feeling about this.

We followed Jack to the base's main power systems room. Jack opened the door to the main power circuitry and opened a large breaker control panel and began to connect the device he'd built to the main breaker.

"Should we not attempt to stop him, Daniel Jackson?" Teal'c asked me.

"Wait a minute. Jack? What are you doing?" Daniel asked hesitantly.

"Euege."

"I think that means 'good,' I explained to Teal'c. "Jack, I...I really don't know if this is a good thing."

"Euege. Euege," He repeated firmly. He was convinced it was good but good for what, good for whom.

"Jack, what is it for?" I asked him but waited in vain for an answer. A cold hand gripped my heart, had my promise to myself of the night before just been hopeless? "JACK!"

He glanced at me but immediately returned to his task.

"I don't think he understand us any more," I told Teal'c sadly as we watched Jack finalise his connections and then he turned on the machine and the slight hum we heard earlier was now much louder.

* * *

As we hurried through the corridors on Jack's heels, we heard Hammond over the intercom. "This is General Hammond. I want Sgt. Siler and a maintenance crew to the power room immediately."

We entered the Control Room to find the Gate in the process of dialling out and from the commotion in the room it was definitely no normal procedure.

"The device that Jack built is some sort of energy source. He just hooked it up to the main power vault."

"Well that explains where the gate is getting all the extra power," Sam commented wryly.

"I would not have authorized that, Dr. Jackson. Captain, how do we stop this?" Hammond asked.

"You could have Siler pull the main breaker," Sam suggested

"Chevron 6 is encoded," announced Simmons.

"Wait, now Jack has been saying that this is a good thing," I tried to argue. "Now so far he has done nothing bad." I glanced at Jack who stood just behind, as still as a statue. He didn't even acknowledge my presence.

"So far!" Hammond declared loudly, bringing my gaze back to him.

"Chevron 7....is encoded?" Simmons declared confused looking around at the General.

"And it's not the point of origin," Sam commented.

"What?" Hammond queried.

This was it, God this was it. Jack seemed sure it was good, and I could tell from his demeanour, from the look in his eyes that was now so distant, that he was no longer with me. The light that had been in his eyes when he looked at me earlier simply wasn't there. My Jack was gone.

"General, what if all these anomalies that have been happening to Jack are part of some ...big ....plan?" I was thinking on my feet. Quite remarkable considering how lost I felt.

"What plan?"

"Well, earlier Jack was telling me he had to go through the gate. Maybe everything up until now has been leading....to this."

"What's it doing?" Hammond asked, referring to the Gate as it finally came to rest on the eighth chevron, the point-of-origin earth symbol.

"Chevron 8 is locked!" Simmons said stunned and a wormhole opened. "The wormhole is tracking. Captain?" Simmons asked Sam, confused again.

"Sir, the computer is indicating that the wormhole is leaving our known network of Stargates. It's going outside of our galaxy. Far out," Sam explained.

"That's why the Gate needed all the extra power," I realised. Whatever had been downloaded into Jack's brain had been leading to this all along. Jack was going to leave me and for a moment I didn't seem to be able to draw breath.

"Hold on. I thought Stargate addresses were six points in space with the seventh being the point of origin," Hammond asked Sam who explained the extra chevron added a new distance calculation. They were calmly discussing wormhole physics, blithely unaware that my heart was breaking.

* * *

I stood in the Control Room, I knew it was called that but I couldn't remember what it controlled. I felt I should know everyone here yet I only felt comfortable around one man and I couldn't recall his name.

He seemed to be concerned, about what I couldn't understand. Then I saw him glance at me and there was something in his eyes. Me? He was concerned about me? Why?

* * *

I had to get a hold of myself. Jack still needed my help; though what I could possibly do for him I had no idea. I had to believe that whatever was going to happen somehow I wouldn't lose him, I couldn't, not now, please. I wanted him to come back to me but I needed to remember that he was a Colonel in the Air Force and as such we couldn't openly have any kind of relationship beyond the friendship we already shared. If I was to protect him I must remember to act the way I always did.

Hammond looked at Jack and asked, "Now what?" The question pulled me from my thoughts.

Jack turned to leave and the General snapped. "Colonel!"

SFs moved to block his path and Jack stopped, eyes looking straight ahead though it was plain to me that he wasn't really seeing what we were.

General Hammond walked up to him, "I'm just supposed to let you go?" he asked.

"He's already gone, general," I said sadly. "I don't think we have much of a choice." I was speaking to the General but I was reminding myself that I too had to let him go. In the here and now I'd already lost him. I think the only way I would ever get my Jack back was to let him go and pray that he would find a way to return to me. I truly believed that he loved me and that if ...once he was back in his right mind he would move heaven and earth to return to me.

Accepting my opinion, the General nodded and the SFs moved aside to let him pass as the General, Teal'c and I followed him.

* * *

I felt compelled to go ...somewhere. A compulsion so strong that I couldn't even contemplate what would happen if I couldn't go. A compulsion that still didn't negate the fear deep in my soul; the fear of loss. But loss of what? I didn't know the answer to that.

Then I heard his voice and suddenly I wondered if it was _who_ , rather than _what_ I was afraid to lose.

* * *

Jack moved to the base of the ramp and stood looking at the open wormhole.

We gathered just behind him, watching. I expected him to simply walk through but he stood there staring, as if waiting for something.

Teal'c moved forward and spoke to Jack. "I will accompany you, O'Neill."

"I really think he needs to do this alone, Teal'c," I told him. I wish I didn't believe that or I'd have gone with him regardless but whatever he was doing, it was because he was automatically acting as the downloaded information required and there had never been any indication that it was anything other than exclusive.

Jack started to walk up the ramp to the Gate.

"I really hope that this is the right thing to do," Hammond said worried as his second-in-command and flag-ship team leader walked towards the wormhole and possible oblivion.

Just then Sam came running in the Gateroom. "Wait! Without the remote code device, he won't be able to get back."

"Without knowing where he's going and why, that could put us in further jeopardy. I'm sorry, I can't authorize it," Hammond told her.

God why hadn't I thought of that! I ran up the ramp after Jack, who was just about to step through the Gate. I was almost surprised when he hesitated, seeming to wait for me. "Jack, you understand that if you do this, if you go.....you might not be able to come back."

He slowly turned his head to look at me and for a moment we connected, I know we did. It was there somehow, in his eyes. He knew but he was aware that he had no choice. I saw a goodbye in those eyes but there was a glimmer of hope too. A hope that would have to sustain us both.

* * *

I heard that voice again and it broke through the strong pull that dragged me to walk through the ...the Vium, to travel the ...the ...astrium.

I turned and there he was, the owner of the voice. I saw him clearly for perhaps the first time and I was struck by the depth of the emotion in those eyes. He was saying something but I couldn't understand his words but that didn't seem to matter. His eyes spoke more eloquently than any spoken language. I wanted to see those eyes again. If there was a way, I would.

* * *

With leaden legs I walked back to the Control Room behind the others. Dully I heard Simmons say something about the traveller being on route. The traveller, why the hell didn't he just say his name - Colonel O'Neill - Jack was travelling away from me faster than the speed of light.

"We've lost the traveller," a shocked Simmons declared.

I closed my eyes; it was no more than I expected but to hear the words felt as if the proverbial knife were being twisted in my gut.

Find a way Jack, in your usual inimitable style fight to get back to me.

* * *

I tumbled head over heels and rolled down a short flight of stairs, finally landing on my stomach. I didn't know where I was, God I wasn't even sure how I got here! I raised my still spinning head, immediately regretting it as a wave of throbbing pain shot through my skull. I rolled onto my back, took a few deep breaths and gingerly opened my eyes. The Vium was there above me at the top of the steps, set against a wall that was somehow a dull grey colour that inexplicably shimmered.

I slowly turned to see what was behind me and found a large wide corridor that seemed to go on into infinity. It was unlike any corridor I had ever seen before, totally alien in design and construction. I found it odd that I knew this with certainty when everything else was vague and confusing, like a lost memory trickling back and out of order.

As I glanced around two shadows disengaged from their surroundings and slowly approached. Somehow, I immediately recognised them; they were from Thor's race, the Asgard.

As if it had been a signal, other Asgards could be seen moving in the long corridor behind and coming out of what might be cross corridors or adjoining rooms.

I rolled up onto my knees staring at the two Asgard who were now very close.

"Ego...desrdi...asordo..." I said, the words seeming odd on my tongue.

They blinked their large black eyes at me and they spoke to each other but I couldn't understand their words.

I tried again, "Comdo....asordo."

They conversed some more and the headache that had been building as long as I could remember seemed about to explode when suddenly one of them reached out with his hand. He showed me his palm in which there was a jewel embedded. He slowly moved toward me, silently asking permission and having no other option I trusted him to help me. Otherwise, why had I come here?

As it came closer the jewel began to glow and I felt warmth on my forehead and, maybe I imagined this, but I thought I saw a wavering light travel from me toward the jewel. That was the last thing I saw before my world turned grey and then black.

* * *

I'd stayed in the Gateroom, leaning against the side wall. There was nothing I could do there but I had nowhere else to go, nothing else to do. Okay, that was far from true, I had more translations than I could handle but there was no way I could cope with that now.

"I'm gonna re-dial," Sam said and attempted to input the command but it failed to work. "Computer won't accept the eighth chevron," she reported.

The telephone rang and Hammond picked it up, "Hammond."

"It's Sgt. Siler, sir. The device that's hooked up to the power grid? It seems to be dead."

I hoped but I never expected it to work, only Jack was meant to make that journey.

* * *

I slowly fought my way clear of the fog clogging my senses. Where the hell was I? My head felt as though there was a little Tok'ra in there playing a xylophone, my mouth felt as if it was filled with sandpaper and my eyes were full of grit. Gingerly I opened them and the sight that greeted me brought it all flooding back.

I was in another galaxy so far away from home, so far away from Daniel... I pulled myself together, concentrated on the here and now and turned to face the Asgard.

"Hello," I said, trite I know but ... The two Asgard looked at each other and I slowly rolled over and got to my knees, sitting back on my haunches. "Um......thank you."

"You are welcome," the tall one said, cocking his - I assumed - head on one side.

"You understand me?"

"We speak many languages," he replied.

"You're the Asgard. Thor's race. Right?" I asked for confirmation.

"You have heard of us," the other, short one, asked

"Nothing but good things," I said, I can do tactful.

"You looked into the archive that stores all the Ancients' knowledge?"

"Apparently," I said, sheepishly.

"It was not meant for you."

"What.......this was all an accident?" I asked. Oh god, let it have been for a reason. If I have no way home, if I can never see him again, let it at least have been for an important reason.

"Human physiology has not advanced to the point where your brain could handle that technology," he replied.

"Oh," It was all for nothing, a mistake for cryin' out loud! I sighed. "So.....where am I?"

"This is the Asgard planet, Othala, in the Galaxy of Ida."

"Why did I come here?"

"The Ancients moved on from our region of space long ago but your subconscious mind used their knowledge to find us here where you could get help," the tall Asgard explained.

"Very impressive," his companion commented.

"Well, you know..." I replied, trying to keep my spirits up.

"We did not think your brains had advanced even that far," the short one said.

"How is it...you know so much about our brains?"

"We have studied your race closely."

"Ah!" I should have known! "What did you learn?"

"That your species has great potential," the tall Asgard stated, his tone suddenly reminding me of Teal'c.

"Great potential. That's good," I said, my voice sounded weak even to my own ears. I needed sleep; the thought brought a sudden flash of Daniel lying in my arms as we slept. Would I ever have such joy again?

"Understand this," the Asgard said. "There was once an alliance of four great races in the galaxy. The Asgard. The Nox..."

"Met them."

"...the Furlings..."

"Don't know them..."

"...and the Ancients, the builders of the Stargates."

"That's a pretty heady group," I said, feeling entirely out of place.

"The alliance was built over many millennia. Your race has much to prove before they may interact on that level," the Asgard informed me.

I decided to try and stand, my knees were hurting but when I did so I realised I was at least two feet taller than they were.

"Look," I began, "you all seem to be quite wonderful..." what the hell do I call them! "People..." Feeling awkward as they stared up at me, their huge black eyes blinking and I hurriedly kneeled down again so I could talk to them face to face. "And I don't want to sound ungrateful because I really, really appreciate you getting all that stuff out of my head but you folks should understand. We're out there now, and we might not be ready for a lot of this stuff but we're doing the best that we can. We are a very curious race."

The two Asgard exchange glances and after a moment one of them extended his small delicate hand in the friendship gesture of a handshake. I was surprised that they knew the gesture but I wanted them to help me so I gratefully, carefully, took it and stood up.

"You have already taken the first steps towards becoming 'the fifth race'," he intoned.

* * *

My solitary wait was no more as Teal'c had joined me. He gave me his silent support, for which I was grateful, both for the support and the silence. I couldn't have stood to have to make conversation just then and I was grateful that the Jaffa was friend enough to recognise that.

Sam was still sitting at the control console. "Sir, we're gonna have to shut the whole system down and re-boot," she informed the General who was waiting behind her.

"Can you close the iris, if necessary?" he asked.

Sam attempted to do so but nothing happened. "Apparently not."

"Captain, I don't care what you have to do. I want control of this system back," Hammond ordered.

Sam looked up at him. "Yes, sir, I'm trying."

Suddenly the Gate began to turn and the computer flashed the 'Alert! Inbound Traveller' warning on the computer screen.

"We have an incoming wormhole," Sam confirmed.

I exchanged looks with Teal's, hopeful and afraid. He seemed to understand and nodded as he accompanied me to the control room window looking down on the Gateroom.

The chevrons locked and a wormhole formed and time seemed to stand still as I stared at the open Gate, willing him to come home. After what seemed like the longest minute of my life Jack stepped slowly through and stood on the gate ramp. Suddenly the iris slammed shut ...by itself.

I didn't see it close I only heard it as I was already running to the Gateroom to meet Jack. I heard heavy footsteps behind and knew my shadow was still there.

I slid to a halt at the base of the ramp, just as Jack stopped there too. I devoured him with my eyes, noticing he still looked tired, his eyes still rimmed with dark smudges. Then I saw nothing else as our eyes met and he held my gaze for a long second, before he seemed to realise where he was.

"I'm back," he said, grinning.

"What happened?" I asked him, not really caring. He was here; he'd come back to me.

"Do you still possess the knowledge of the Ancients?" Teal'c asked with an expression that for him was almost a grin.

Jack sighed with relief. "Nope. Don't remember a thing," he smiled weakly.

Then he turned his attention to me, "But you know that meaning-of-life stuff?" I just barely managed a nod, as for a moment I allowed the scientist in me to come to the fore when I realised what Jack must have just experienced. "I think we're going to be all right," he continued and his smile went straight to my heart for I knew he wasn't referring to his remarkable trip.

* * *

It was hours later before I was finally allowed to leave the mountain with strict instructions from the Doc to get plenty of rest, I was delighted to be able to promise her that I fully intended to spend as much time as I could in my bed.

We'd had to endure a quick briefing with the General during which I gave them a quick overview of what had happened with the Asgard and I admitted I remembered everything that had happened. I just had no memory of any of the Ancient's knowledge that had been downloaded into my brain. I saw Daniel's head rise at that; he must have wondered if I remembered what had happened when I could no longer speak English. Our eyes met briefly and he gave me a quick smile before dropping them, then he looked up quickly over the rim of his glasses before concentrating again on whatever notes he was scribbling. I intended to ask him later if that little trick with his glasses was intentional, 'cause if it was and I ever caught him treating anyone else to that look...well I couldn't help it if I was a jealous sonuvabitch! That look went straight to my groin.

Shortly after, the General asked us all for a written report and then gave us a week's downtime so I could completely recover.

By the time I was finally ready to leave I discovered that Daniel had already gone from the base. I was surprised, I'd assumed he was waiting for me in his office after the Doc threw him out of the infirmary for consistently getting under her feet. She was quite happy for him to sit by my bed when I was unconscious or really ill but she drew the line at him hanging around while I had my physical.

When I'd tried everywhere he ought to be but couldn't find him anywhere I contacted the main gate to find he'd checked out an hour earlier. I headed for the surface and once I was in the open air I used my cell to call him at home. I got his answer machine. He'd had more than enough time to get home, so either he was ...what, shopping, gone out to eat? I tried his cell which was turned off. As we were officially on downtime and we weren't on call, he could do that.

Where would he have gone? I could go and wait at his place. Unless, could he have gone to my place?

Would he have gone there? Did he still have that key I gave him when he stayed with me after Abydos? I never asked for it back, told him to keep it for emergencies. He'd never used it.

Sitting here in my truck in the parking lot wouldn't answer that. I switched on the engine and hightailed it home.

* * *

I've been sitting here on Jack's step for about fifteen minutes trying to decide what to do. I'm not sure when he'll be home but I just couldn't stay on the base any longer. I was climbing the walls, feeling suffocated in my own skin. I wanted him so badly that I couldn't keep away; God Janet even had to throw me out of the infirmary. Good thing she's so used to us being concerned about each other or my stupidity could have given her ideas.

I have to get a grip on myself or I'm going to end up ruining Jack's career and that would kill him. He loves his job and he shoulders a great responsibility towards it. He needed to lead SG1 in the fight to protect out planet. If he was outted the least he would do was lose his career, he could even go to prison if the General felt inclined to press charges.

When he finally arrives, I'm going to ask Jack if he's really thought this through. I'm not worth his future. It'll kill me to give him up but I will. Oh God, how will I ever cope without him now I finally realise how I feel, knowing he feels the same. I so want him. If he decides not to ... would it be wrong if I asked him to make love to me once, just to have the memory of that one time ... could I live with just the memory or would it become torture?

Is it so wrong, so selfish of me to hope he wants to take the risk, to tell me I am worth it? I've never had anyone think I was worth risking anything for, let alone their future, their freedom. Then again, if he did by some miracle say that to me, could I let him take that risk. What kind of man would that make me? Oh God, Jack, why is fate always so cruel? I've finally fallen head over heels in love and it has to be with someone I can't have.

* * *

Well that answered that question. There he is sitting on my steps, head in hands 'cause he's thinking. That man has the most brilliant brain that can solve just about any problem but use it for anything personal and it becomes a disaster area. Don't know exactly what's he's agonising over but he'll already have decided he's at fault and he has to sacrifice something to solve it and assuage his guilt. God, Danny what have you done to yourself this time?

I'd pulled up a few doors down when I saw him and now I drove the short distance and parked my truck on my drive. He got to his feet as soon as he saw me and was nearly hopping from foot to foot in his agitation.

"I thought you might be here Daniel but I expected you to be inside not sitting on my step."

"Inside?" he asked, clearly puzzled.

"My key, Daniel, you have my key. It's still on your key ring isn't it?"

"Oh, oh yes. I'd forgotten all about that," he blushed. God, if he blushed at that what would he do when I touched him, my cock twitched at the thought.

"Come on," I said opening the door and gesturing him through.

I pushed the door closed with my foot as I reached for him. I'd been waiting for this for hours. To my surprise he avoided my touch and backed away, turning towards the living room.

"Daniel?"

"We have to talk."

"No we don't. I want to kiss you and then take you to bed to finish what we started last night." God, was it only last night? Seems like a life-time ago. "Only this time I want you to be naked when I caress you, I want to watch as your cock fills, I want to see the look in your eyes when I go down on you, I want to watch your face as you come. I'd like to fuck you through the mattress but I'll understand if you're not ready for that. Maybe you want to fuck me? God, I don't even know how experienced you ..."

"Oh God, Jack stop or I'm gonna come in my pants!" he gasped and swallowed hard. He raised a hand to stop me speaking while he took a breath. "Jack, believe me there's nothing I would like better than for you to take me to bed but there's something I need to say first."

I sighed but nodded. "Let's sit down then."

He sat in one of the chairs, obviously not wanting to be too close while he had his say.

"I've done a lot of thinking since you got back and I think maybe ...because of the strain you were under you said things...to me, I mean...that you might not have done otherwise."

I frowned and interrupted, "No, Daniel, that isn't..."

"Please Jack, let me finish, this is hard enough as it is. Please believe that I meant every word I said, I love you and I don't doubt that you care for me. But, Jack you are a career officer and your position is very important to you. I can't ask you to risk your future, maybe even your freedom for me, I'm not worth that. Think very carefully what you really want. If you want just to remain friends then that's what we'll do. Whatever you want, Jack."

* * *

Whatever I expected from Jack it wasn't anger but he jumped up from his chair and paced up and down in front of me, the emotion vibrating through him.

"Jack?" I said, worried. What had I said to make him so angry?

"Don't!" he snapped, a hand raised in warning.

I subsided, waiting to hear what he had to say.

Finally he turned, his anger under control. "I might have been under a strain but it only made me see clearly what had always been there. I've loved you for quite some time, just too dumb to admit what it really was. Used to fantasise about you, didn't know that did ya?" Raised an eyebrow at me but he didn't wait for my answer, not that I was exactly in a position to give one then, too busy trying to control my body's reaction to what he'd just said. Later I'd ask him for details.

"There's no going back now even if I wanted to," he continued looking me square in the eye, "and I don't. It's _my_ future and my risk and let me tell _you_ something, Daniel Jackson. I have thought very carefully about what I want, what I'm prepared to do to get it. I want you and you _are_ worth it, you are worth everything to me. If things were looking ...well if it came to a choice between you and my career, there would be no choice. I love you."

"You'd choose me over your career?" My heart was pounding in my chest. It was only at that moment that I understood how very much I wanted him to say that. To tell me I was the most important thing in his life. If it was selfish, then I was selfish and I revelled in it.

"Every time," he said with a smile, standing so close to my chair that our knees touched. He put his hand out to me and I gratefully took it as he pulled me to my feet and into his arms.

"When will you learn to stop selling yourself short, Daniel. You are a remarkable man and you don't even realise it and that's not even taking into account your ...attributes," he said laughing.

"My attributes?"

"Oh, you want a list?" I laughed. "Okay, you have beautiful eyes, I could fall into them and never come out. I dream about running my fingers through your hair, though I'll only admit to that inside these four walls, on base I'll keep telling you to get it cut! You have very kissable lips, I'll show you in a minute. I love your long neck and your strong shoulders, though you carry too much of the world's sorrows on them." He drifted a finger down the side of my neck and along my shoulder as he spoke and I couldn't help but shiver at his touch. His hands moved towards the centre of my chest and he began to unbutton my shirt as he spoke. "I like that your chest is smooth and in one of my fantasies I was able to make you come by just paying special attention to your nipples."

I gasped then, both at his words and at the sensations his fingers were creating as he caressed each patch of skin revealed by my unfastened shirt. He tugged the hem of it out of my trousers and slipped the shirt off my body. He stood back a moment and just looked at me and my skin burned where his eyes touched.

"Oh, God, Jack. I can't take anymore," I declared and swooping in I took his mouth in a bruising kiss.

* * *

He took my breath in that kiss and I revelled in his desperation as he dove into my mouth with abandon. Daniel always thought everything to death before he took action but once he acted he was unstoppable and this was no exception. Not that I was complaining, even when he broke the kiss. He almost ripped my shirt from my body and he growled when he realised I was a wearing a tee underneath. I reached for the hem to take it off and he swatted my hands away taking hold of it himself. He looked up then and I saw that his pupils were almost black with passion and I wondered how I looked. Did I have the flush in my cheeks, I sure was panting as hard as he was. With a feral grin he yanked my tee off and then he attacked my chest - I can't think of a more appropriate word for the way he shoved me back as his tongue and teeth took possession of my nipples.

I stumbled when the backs of my legs hit the edge of the sofa and I landed sprawled on my back, which may have been his intention all along. Nothing if not prepared my Danny.

_My Danny_. He really was mine now wasn't he? He belonged to me as much I belonged to him. I told him the truth when I said I'd take him over my career any day and that for me meant a lifetime commitment. He hadn't said anything back to me and I remembered with a twist of my gut that he couldn't commit to me, he was already committed to Sha're! In my euphoria I'd forgotten all about her. Oh my God! What about Daniel, he hadn't mentioned her either, he'd been mostly concerned about me.

"Daniel," I gasped out, "Daniel, stop, STOP!"

"Wha...what?" He was panting as he lifted his head. "What did I do, is something wrong?"

"No, you didn't do anything wrong," I said trying to push him off me but he wouldn't let go. "I forgot, I'm sorry," I muttered. Just as he'd felt the need to clear the decks with any concerns in my life, I couldn't do this unless I knew he was sure too.

He frowned down at me. We were so close, he had one hand on my waist and the other on my shoulder and I had both my hands pressed into his sides.

"Forgot? Sorry? What are you talking about?"

"Sha're. I ...forgot about Sha're."

He paled and then just as quickly a faint blush suffused his cheeks. "I hadn't," he said quietly.

I raised an eyebrow at that and slowly he pushed back and allowed me up. I swung my legs out of the way so we could both sit on the sofa. We sat touching shoulders but not looking at each other.

"When I finally acknowledged how I felt about you I also realised that while I care very much for Sha're I had never been truly in love with her." He turned to me then with a wry smile that drew my eyes to his lips. "It took losing you to know the difference. I thought I'd felt the pain of losing someone when Apophis took her but watching you leave through the Gate ... Believe me, Jack I know exactly what I'm doing. I faced this demon last night when I slept in your arms and seeing you leave only confirmed it. I promised myself if you came home to me I'd never let you go. You chose me over your career, I choose you over Sha're. We both do it with our eyes open."

Wow, I felt so good. I suppose I should feel guilty to take a man from his wife but to be honest I don't, I'm just grateful he chose me. I reached up and caressed his cheek and he leaned into the touch, moving slightly to brush his lips over the palm of my hand. I felt the jolt right through my groin.

"So," I said softly, "we're gonna do this then."

"Mmmm," he said, now taking each of my fingers, one at a time into his mouth and sucking on them.

"Sweet," I gasped. "How ...about we...take ...this to my bedroom?"

In answer he stood and in a copy of my move earlier he stretched out a hand to me. I took it and let him pull me to my feet. We shared a fleeting kiss and moved off to my bedroom.

I just about let him make it through the door before I grabbed and performed a nice little move that flipped him on his back onto my bed. He laughed as I climbed on after and straddled him.

"Now I was interrupted earlier when I was cataloguing your attributes and I don't like to leave a job unfinished." I reached for his waistband, "I think I got to about here," I said as I popped his button and slowly began to unzip his pants. His stomach muscles tensed and I looked up at his face. He was staring at my hand and his breath was coming in gasps. I looked back at my own hand as I pushed down his pants revealing his fine cotton boxers through which I could easily see his straining cock.

"Jack," he panted, "Please."

* * *

I was begging him and I wasn't ashamed of it. His hands on my skin were burning where they touched and his lips sent shockwaves through me, it was wonderful yet I needed more. I needed that most intimate touch.

"Please," I begged again, "make love to me, Jack. I want to feel you. It's been a long time since I was taken like that and I ...I didn't love him, it was just sex, y'know?"

"I know," he replied softly. "I've only had sex too; I'd like nothing more than to make love to you." As he spoke he pulled my boxers off and I hissed as they brushed the tip of my cock as it sprang free, full, hard and leaking. "Do you remember earlier, what I wanted to do to you? Wanted to watch your cock fill? Well I'll have to settle for seeing it full. Now I'm gonna watch your eyes as I go down on you."

At his words my heart rate sped up and my cock jumped. God to see him take me in his mouth!

I feel my face heat up and my eyes go wide. I saw his grin as he looked at me and I couldn't help but grin back and then suddenly he ducked his head and I felt warm wet heat surround me and as the pleasure rolled through me I groaned. I blindly reached out and found his head and I wound my fingers into his hair. I lifted my head and watched in awe as his head moved over my groin. I noted as he moved the light glinting off his hair and I realised for the first time how much silver he had now. He joked that every grey hair on his head had been put there by me and I couldn't help but wonder how true that was. I carded my fingers through it, surprised at how soft it felt. Then I forgot about his hair and closed my eyes as he began to lick down my shaft and then drag his teeth along the underside. I almost leapt off the bed and only his hand on my stomach held me in place.

"Jesus!" I yelped. It was so damned hot!

He laughed around my cock and the tiny puffs of air added to the sensations and I lifted my hips and I heard groaning. Wasn't Jack he was busy, had to be me. First begging, then groaning, what next?

"Oh God!" He sucked on me like I was a Popsicle! He deep throated me and sucked for all he was worth and suddenly I felt his hand take my balls and begin to roll them between his fingers. I couldn't take much more of that. I leaned up, curling over towards him, my hand digging into his shoulders. "I'm coming, I can feel it...," I told him as the feeling built and grew till it centred in my groin and I flipped back onto the pillows. "Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod, Jaaaack!" I yelled as my orgasm overtook me and I shot straight down his waiting throat.

Next thing I knew Jack was lying alongside me stroking my chest and muttering something and for a moment I couldn't quite get what he was saying. Then as more brain cells came back on line I heard him.

"Amo, amo,"

"I love you too, Jack."

He smiled, "You remembered."

"Never forget that night," I smiled gently. "Concupisco," I breathed.

* * *

As he said that word, telling me he desired me, my own need slammed through me and I leaned across him. He frowned until he saw me opening the drawer in my nightstand and taking out a tube of lube.

"Roll over," I said.

"You wanted to see me when I came, well now I want to see you. Wanna be on my back."

"Nothing I'd like better, wanna see you when I'm deep inside." He had no idea how hot that sounded. "But for now, let me get you ready. You said it's been a while, wanna do this right."

He turned over and spread his legs for me. God, talk about inviting! I tried to uncap the tube but my hand was shaking. I took a breath and forced myself to relax. I uncapped it and spread the lube generously over my hands. I touched his ass for the first time and it was soft and yet so firm. Strong muscles under skin smooth like velvet. God he was beautiful.

I caressed him in long strokes moving from his waist down to his balls and he shivered and moaned. I loved that I could do that to him, make him feel so much. I moved nearer to his cleft, massaging inwards towards his entrance and he bucked at the first touch. I muttered some nonsense at him and he mumbled back to me, his voice so dreamy I laughed. Then I pushed one finger slowly inside, half expecting him to tense up but he didn't, instead he relaxed and gave himself over to my ministrations. After a minute or so I added another finger stretching and twisting as he lay there quietly moaning. It was so erotic I had to grab myself and squeeze the base of my cock or Danny would never have got his wish.

"Now, Jack, I'm ready. Wanna feel you, come on," he said, looking at me over his shoulder.

God this was a fantasy come true, Danny lying there begging me to fuck him. No, that wasn't quite it was it? That had been a fantasy before I realised I didn't simply lust after him, I was in love with him. This wasn't a fantasy and this was no simple fuck. This was us showing how much we loved each other.

I nodded and he turned over. I edged between his spread legs and lifted them over my thighs. He squirmed nearer settling himself comfortably. I grinned as I lined myself up and pushed gently in. He tried to push himself onto me but I held him firm.

"Patience, patience," I said, though I firmly thrust in the rest of way and I then waited for him to adjust.

He was breathing hard trying to control his body's reactions. I watched with fascination until I knew he was ready and I pulled slowly out and then I thrust back in. He arched his neck so his head was pressed back into the pillows and with a will I thrust back into him setting up a steady pace. I lifted his hips a little to alter the angle of my thrusts trying to find the special spot deep inside.

"Faster, Jack, fast....Ah!" he cried.

He said little after that, unless you counted the moans. My rhythm was set now and I hit his prostate with every thrust and it was bliss; his heat gripping me tightly, his moans filling my senses. I opened my eyes to find him watching me, his breath coming in gasps in time with my thrusts, his eyes black and sparkling with passion. It was enough to push me over the edge and I felt my orgasm begin in my toes and gather as it moved up my legs into my groin to explode inside my lover, ripping a yell from my throat.

"Daaaaaniell!"

* * *

I didn't think I could feel so much. Every time he thrust into me it was like tiny explosions of bliss inside me. I thought I'd been fucked before but it had never been anything like this. Then when our eyes met something sparked between us and when his climax hit my prostate I literally saw stars.

I was still kinda floating and Jack was just about back with me again.

"Hey," I said softly.

"Wha...oh, hey..." Jack breathed. "You...okay?"

"I'm fucking wonderful!"

Jack laughed. "Well glad to be of service. Want to return the favour next time?"

"Oh yeah!"

"I am under doctor's orders to stay in bed."

"I thought you were under orders to get some rest."

"Sure but I actually promised the Doc that I'd stay in bed, didn't promise I'd rest."

FIN


End file.
